What is it that I had wanted? Fame or anonymity? What is it that I will choose in the end? Which path will I end up taking? There is no talent I have; no skill I will acquire that will set me apart and yet to be set apart is something I had wanted so badly. I want so badly. But then do I want anybody to know me? To really know me. From 15 I had been dreaming to be famous, to be written and talked about. I also wanted to get lost in this world so that no one would ever find me. All these adverbs, all these stresses are these going to give me an answer, will the questions provide answers?
But more than anything else I had wanted love.
I fell in love. To love and be loved. I have that. I had that love at 15, I definitely have that now. A boy wanted me then, mostly to touch me. But a boy wants me now mostly to grow up with him. This boy really knows me or is going to, soon. Do I really want him to know me?
I think I wouldn’t be running away from him now or ever. I don’t think I will be able to live if he ran away from me. If he grew up without me. So much for my feminism, Love is still my all. I can’t be successful without him near me. With him near me, to hold my hand and to lean on I will be the most successful human I could aspire to be. He doesn’t inspire me to be better but with the rock solid support he gives me I know he would let me put one foot on his shoulder and pull up myself. Once I am up there, I can carry him on my shoulders. I can be Atlas.
He would take my name he said, if we got married.