How long does reality persist inside an individual? When a human comes in contact with daily life everyday of their life by the time they are adults living is a habit there is nothing new to live for except empty goals such as a career, owning property, even travelling the world. Finding oneself becomes redundant in such a situation where the next step is only about acquiring.
I believe that you lose your humanity. You become an Elena who has switched off their humanity because a. they don’t want to be vulnerable b. you don’t want to care. Pain and hurt is so real that we keep shirking away from it and run towards ideals that are plastic and don’t really hurt. We forget to live to experience.
I am afraid for myself. I have forgotten to really care for people. I nod, I smile, I try to care but in reality I don’t. I am becoming a monster like them, calculating and rational. I don’t live up to my impulses anymore. Am I less alive for that? On the other hand my impulsiveness has hurt many along the way and growing up I thought was getting the reigns in your hand finally. Being in control of your emotions, of yourself but in trying to be in control doesn’t that self-imposed oppression kill your spark?
I have not really experimented with art or creativity much, most of my life I was trying to find that one stable relationship to latch on to. I am not sure if I have found it but I really don’t want to worry about being loved anymore. Creatively expressing myself is my new motto. Visualise, imagine and explore.
Hence here is my new blog- mehukaun- An attempt to understand my self through art, creativity,writing and lots of lapses into introspection of relationships and humanity(basically all the been there done that courses).